Movie Night with Lauren: X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

In preparation for the newest X-Men movie, Logan, I saw X-Men Apocalypse against everyone’s recommendation. Logan owes me big time.

Basic Synopsis: From what I gathered I think the supposed first mutant ever is raised from his long buried coma to… watch a montage of humans at war? To take over the world? All I know is Ivan Ooze seemed disgusted by superpowers, but next thing you know he’s telling the most powerful mutants to inherit the earth.

Someone Explain That Opening: Mutants are one thing, but are we just supposed to accept that Egyptians have the technology to transfer the essence of a human into the body of another? The culture is ancient, not magical!

These Are His Chosen Horsemen?: I’ll give Apocalypse his choice of Magneto because he’s always been the go-to villain of this universe and he has somehow added earthbending to his powers over metal. I’ll even accept Storm because we’ve all seen what natural disasters are capable of. Buts what’s with these other two?

Oscar Isaac must still be in Star Wars mode because all it takes for Apocalypse to be impressed with Psylocke is for her to create a lightsaber from her hand. If that power is that awesome then why does she have to also carry around a normal sword, huh? And Angel is just a glorified fighter. Sure he can fly too, but Apocalypse can teleport and disintegrate people. How lazy is he that he has to bring Angel along? First the four horseman of the apocalypse, now an angel. When did he become so Christian?

Oh, and dear God, Psylocke, you’re in Auschwitz, put on some pants.

Speaking of Unnecessary Characters: Why is Moira in this movie? I love Rose Byrne and was super excited to see her reprise her role from X-Men: First Class, but Moira contributes nothing to the movie. To sum her contributions up in my fiancé’s words: “Ugh, she can’t even do CPR right!”

Thank Goodness For Quicksilver: I wasn’t as impressed with X-Men: Days of Future Past as everyone else seems to be (someday I’ll watch it again in the hopes of figuring out what I’m missing, like I did with It Follows. Still think that one is overrated, FYI, and boy do I hate being left out of the fanclub…). I barely remember it, honestly. But one thing I do remember and can agree with everyone on is how Quicksilver’s runaround was the best scene of the movie. Apocalypse is no different. It didn’t get a lot right, but at least it knew well enough to bring Quicksilver back for some more visual effects fun with a jaunt through the slow motion School of the Gifted. This bit makes the movie worth seeing. Unless the scene can be found on YouTube, that is.

Final Thoughts: During the film the young X-Men make a joke about the third film in a movie series always being the worst one. I don’t know if I agree with them when it comes to Episode VI, but they were right about the movie they themselves are in.

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