Sonic the Hedgehog isn’t a bad film, but it isn’t good either. It’s a solidly forgettable thumbs sideways.

Basic Synopsis: A humanoid, alien hedgehog decides to forgo his 300mpr run speed, instead road-tripping it with Tom (James Marsden) after a psychotic scientist discovers his existence. Because the real treasure is not the bag of gold, teleporting rings at his destination, but the friends he makes along the way.

First Things First: Had I known Sonic was left-handed all this time maybe I would’ve traded in my Nintendo for a Sega Genesis. Ok, not really; but I would’ve strongly considered buying the Sonic game I was eyeballing for my Game Gear over Taz in Escape from Mars.

Second Things Second: I know nothing about Longclaw, but I know she deserved better than this Disney parent nonsense.

Brief Thoughts: Honestly there’s not a lot to say about Sonic. I found myself mildly amused at best, with the number of times I genuinely laughed easily countable on one hand: one finger going to Sonic messing with the small town’s resident “kook,” two fingers going to Natasha Rothwell as Rachel, Tom’s disapproving sister-in-law, one going to Jim Carrey Jim Carreying it up as Dr. Robotnik – I haven’t been a fan of his since he disparaged Kick-Ass 2 post production, but boy did his base of operations dance get me good – and a final, shocked guffaw when Sonic does something truly unexpected late in the film. Now add Sonic’s slow-mo, barroom chicanery and that’s only six instances (or one mutated hand) of true enjoyment. Six!

But hey, at least Sonic doesn’t look terrifying? Granted, if Cats taught us anything, it’s that there is a “it’s so horrifying it’s entertaining” category, so #ReleaseTheHumanToothedCut?

Quick Questions:

• How drunk would you have to be to believe that Sonic is a little person with massive eyes and an intense case of blue hypertrichosis?
• Was anyone else as upset as I was to learn Tom wears tighty whities?

Favorite Line: “What is that, Tom? Is it plutonium? Is it emails?” Seriously, Rothwell was the best.

Biggest Complaint: I swear, if I could travel back in time I wouldn’t kill baby Hitler, I’d keep that insufferable floss dance move from ever being created.

Final Thoughts: I mean, if you had a kid that made you watch Sonic the Hedgehog over and over again it would by no means be the worst thing, but I’d much rather my fictional child love Detective Pikachu instead.

Second Opinion: If you’d like to read someone else’s thoughts on Sonic the Hedgehog, Ben wrote a review for the film back when it was in theaters. Click here to read it!

And be sure to let me know what you thought of the film in the comments below or over on twitter, where you can find me at BewareOfTrees.