Wow this shark is a real Karen — a Karfin, if you will — evolving as a species so she could follow one woman all the way to Paris from halfway around the world, all to continue terrorizing her for dipping a toe in her property. Sheesh.

First Things First: No really, I still don’t understand why this shark came to Paris.

Brief Thoughts: With a title like Under Paris I may have tricked myself into believing that this movie was going to take part largely in the catacombs beneath the city. Think 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, with the claustrophobia of the tight spaces, failing structural integrity within the maze of near-identical passageways and dead ends, and the need to keep moving through the murky-enough-to-hide-a-shark water polluted with the sediment of the dead as the dwindling oxygen aims to add the characters to the list of the interred. That is what I was expecting, but apart from a couple large setpieces, what we actually get is way better acquainted with how mucked up The Seine is as our loitering shark threatens to ruin the upcoming World Triathlon Championship.

Quick Interjection: Jaws should be required viewing for all mayors. I mean honestly…

Brief Thoughts (Cont.): Considering my second favorite shark attack film is Deep Blue Sea — let’s face it, there’s no beating Jaws — I’m more than willing to forget all I know about science. I will gladly look past what this film seemingly presents as a shark basically deciding to grow larger because there’s nothing creepier than a massive shadow moving through murky waters, I will also ignore that the shark decides swimming in freshwater is no longer an issue if it means we get to have a film of the subgenre in an unexpected setting; I just think that if you’re going to start your movie with a quote from Charles Darwin, maybe refresh your understanding of how evolution actually works because it turns out there is in fact a line past where suspension of disbelief becomes a struggle to maintain, no matter how much I love the idea of women doing whatever it takes to girlboss their hearts out. She’s not evolving to survive, she’s evolving to thrive as the baddest bitch in town — and murder as many people as possible for sport.

Quick Question: Is this movie purposefully anti-environmentalist / conservationist? Because it is quite the statement to make the activists a group of easily led, selfish idiots of a younger generation, prone to panic and hysteria. Though I suppose the shark is at least equally against everyone, from politicians to athletes, as well as shockingly very ACAB given she’s a Karfin. Maybe it’s just the French as a whole that she despises. 

Final Thoughts: The set pieces alluded to above add a few moments of frenzied fun to Under Paris, but unfortunately the movie doesn’t take advantage of the irregular setting enough to make this stand out from the rest of the shiver — this is me learning that’s what a group of sharks is called — of mediocre to bad shark attack films.

—Bonus Rounds—

Does the Dog Survive This Horror Film?: Fortunately the dog was not used to chum the waters.

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Under Paris is now Streaming on Netflix.