Honestly put this version of Dakota Johnson, her precog powers, and her ambulance in the next Fast & Furious movie and I’m fully onboard for the family reunion. Some Johnson and Johnson in a Hobbs & Shaw sequel? I’ll buy my ticket right now, thanks. Just be sure to remind her that she needs to actually look at the road when she does drive and talks.

First Things First: Putting Ben Parker in your spider-movie is cool and all, but did you see that logging truck cameo? Honestly, not having Cassie see a potential Final Destination 2 death sequence is the biggest wasted opportunity in any film of the year. I will take no other nominations for the title.

Brief Thoughts: Listen— if you like Johnson’s vibe and relate to a millennial being exasperated by the youths she is forced to interact with through mostly antagonistic and sassy dialogue, then you’ll not hate this movie (and if you told me over half of their scenes were largely improvised with minimal guidance because the script hadn’t been finished yet I’d believe you).  The editing of the repeating timeline déjà vu? Also done well. The rest? The rest you can throw in the trash. 

Quick Question: Did anyone tell Adam Scott what Ben he is playing? Because there’s an early scene where he and Johnson are chatting over lunch and he mentions meeting someone, presumably future Aunt May, but he plays the scene like he’s not so subtly implying he means Cassie with his eyes. 

Brief Thoughts (Cont.): Basically the movie feels like fanfiction in the sense that someone had the kernel of an idea and the unabashed willingness to explore the randomness of a spider-verse alt-universe, but they were also too scared of Marvel lawyers to get anywhere near resembling actual IPs too closely. And when they finally shared the fic they’d hinted at wanting to write it came with this author note: “I honestly don’t remember writing this. Last thing I do remember is hearing an ambulance siren Doppler effect past my window as I was googling red leather jackets while fighting for my life against traitorous eyelids drooping heavily to thwart my attempts to put any of my finds in the shopping cart, all the while extreme drunken hallucinations summoned by the two chugs too many of NyQuil I’d just knocked back danced in front of Dakota Johnson’s episode of SNL playing on my TV. When I woke up this had been posted to my AO3 account, and I refuse to read it or delete it. Enjoy, I guess.” It needed a beta reader; it needed a beta reader so badly.

Biggest Complaint: I could not tell you a thing about the villain. I don’t know why he wanted the powers of a spider, I don’t know what his life goals are and why they necessitate him having a spider-suit that he didn’t even feel the need to put on as he openly murdered three teen girls on a train (the instigating timeline premonitions that cause Cassie to take charge of these girls’ lives), and I certainly don’t know how he is comfortable walking around barefoot in New York City.

Final Thoughts: I feel like all you need to know about Madame Web is that at some point someone says: “when you take on the responsibility, great power will come.” Like, it’s close; it has all the parts, but it’s definitely incorrect. And the audacity of setting up a sequel when Birds of Prey can’t even get one? Pure insanity.

—Bonus Rounds—

Now Wait a Minute (SPOILER EDITION):

• How was there already a printed Daily Bugle at the random truck stop / diner reporting the “kidnapping” only a couple hours after the train incident happened?
• Did Cassie leave the girls in the Blair Witch forest? Because she managed to run to the diner from where she left them in less time than it takes to listen to Britney Spear’s “Toxic,” yet when the girls traveled the same path earlier in the day they’d been wandering around long enough to wonder if they’d gotten lost. Maybe Cassie got superspeed in addition to precognitive abilities and the movie just forgot to tell us?
• How the hell did Cassie get to Peru!? She’s wanted for kidnapping and you expect me to believe she was able to get on a plane and leave the country? Really!?
• Did I miss Cassie saying something like “I can’t feel my legs” after she’s resuscitated post falling in the water during the final confrontation? Because the movie goes out of its way to show us that she is blinded by a firework, but I was completely caught off guard by her use of a wheelchair in the final scene. I mean, her personality also seemed to be completely different so maybe she’d suffered from some brain damage that also took the mobility of her legs from her?
• And whose apartment is that!? Did the movie also forget to mention that Cassie is dating post-paralysis Batgirl/Oracle? Because suddenly she’s living the life at the top of the Clocktower with her baller sunglasses and super expensive wheelchair.

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Madame Web is now streaming on Netflix.