In true supervillain fashion, Halloween Kills is here to utterly decimate the high I was riding from watching one of the best horror films I’ve seen in a long time, Possessor, just a couple nights ago. Seriously, Halloween Kills, why do you suck so much!?
First Things First: STOP SPLITTING UP GODDAMMIT!
Brief Thoughts: In many ways Halloween Kills feels like the first hour or so of Malignant to me with its tonal uncertainty. Maybe the film is in on what it’s doing, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. Instead it feels like it doesn’t know what it wants to be, so it suffers as this poorly written, comically bad to painfully bad film with horrible characters that we have no reason to care for as their lives are threatened, even ruining those we connected to in 2018’s Halloween. All the dialog is ridiculously dramatic, and the film has this air of self importance in its messaging as the mob mentality and fervor grows unrealistically fast.
- Who had the thought: “you know what would make this scene better? Two shots of exposed morgue dick.” Was Allyson just hanging out at the window sneaking a peek? Why is this man’s body not covered if this hallway is open to just anyone visiting the hospital!?
- Did Allyson or Brick Tamland write this note: “Evil can’t win. I love you. I love dad. I love grandmother”? (Shoutout to Zac for co-writing this joke.)
Biggest Complaint: I get that she’s going through a lot, but if it’s not bad enough that Laurie spends most of this film bedridden, it’s that she has gone from being a badass final girl to a hysterical woman who has completely lost it.
My Absolute Least Favorite Moment: During one of the innumerable groan-worthy scenes Laurie’s daughter, Karen, focuses on her own reflection as these words are spoken about Michael standing at a window: “Maybe he wasn’t lookin’ out. Maybe he was lookin’ in. At his reflection. At himself.” As if these lines (that I would like to blame on the pain meds the speaker is on, but are most likely meant in all seriousness by the film) aren’t awful enough, as Karen stares at her reflection something is done to make the image staring back at her even clearer for emphasis. WHY. And for the first time in the movie I got the weird thought that maybe Karen would replace Michael at the end of this film as she is lost to the murderous intent of this town. Honestly I would both love and hate had the trilogy gone that route because no matter how dumb that is, it’s Judy Greer. And apparently this trilogy is all about the dumber the better now.
Forced Compliment (If I Had to Say One Nice Thing…): The only highlights are the soundtrack and Robert Longstreet, who has one of the only non-cringeworthy performances / characters.
Final Thoughts: Halloween Ends better be one of the best horror films of all time because only something top tier can rectify this burning heap of rotten jack o’lantern goop.
Does the Dog Survive the Film?: Technically the dog was dead when we found it in the flashback, but I still think it’s super rude to remind us Michael is a dog murderer.