I sure hope the man upstairs is too busy going about his Godly chores to sit down and watch this movie, because if he does, Legion might just be reason enough to bring on the next apocalypse.

As the story goes, when God loses faith in mankind he catastrophically shakes his global Etch-A-Sketch to clear the world of humanity before starting again.  Last time he sent a flood to wash away man’s mistakes; this time he must be uber angry because he is going to make it hurt.  Sending his angels to do the dirty work, they infect a vast number of humans, turning them into violently demonic beings.  Luckily enough for humanity, we have Michael on our side, an angel who falls to earth in order to join the fight and protect man (well, a pregnant girl who is carrying a very important baby).

Once this basic outline of a story was decided on for the film, it seems like everything else wasn’t really planned out ahead of time.  In order to give the audience something to associate with, as well as enough people to up the stakes by killing them off, a band of all types of characters are thrown into the mix. This band of misfits includes a man raised on faith, a thug who appears to be a thug but really is a thug with heart, a whorish daughter to two uptight and disappointed parents, a preggo waitress who doesn’t care about the baby inside of her, the devoted, moon-eyed boy who just wants her to notice him, and apocalyptic Dennis Quaid.  Personally, I think that the writers just compiled a group of people together that resemble people they hate, and then they thought up ways to make the audience hate them as well before watching them die in ridiculous ways.  Here’s my case for self-sabotage:

Exhibit A:  These characters are given some of the worst dialog I have ever heard coming from scripted mouths.

Exhibit B:  One of the southern accented characters is named Jeep (I think this is deserving enough to be mentioned separately in the evidence).

Exhibit C:  Not only do they say the dumbest things, but they do the dumbest things. Horror films are known for characters never following the rules that will help them stay alive until the end credits of a film.  Let’s just examine the most obvious example of this: the safety in numbers rule.  Though the characters are in a dire situation with the world coming down around them, they still find time to wander off either by themselves or with one other person, spitting in the face of this rule.  They then proceed to make stupid decisions that are more than capable of bringing about an unnecessary death.  Two words: exploding pustules.  You’ll know what I mean if you choose to sit through this film after reading this.

Exhibit D: In what can only be explained as a prank on the cast and filmmakers, no one seems to understand what type of film they are making.  There is over the top music, images, and performances that scream: “look at how seriously we take ourselves!  This movie is going to be intensely epic!”  But somehow these elements come together in such a way where it feels as if this film is a parody of itself.  Because of this inability to find it’s place in a genre of film, the entire film feels wrong and awkward in every way, with the actors coming off looking just plain stupid for trying so hard (though somehow Paul Bettany manages to come out of the film in a much better place than the rest).

The list could go on and on with sublists to each exhibit, but I will resist the temptation because then I will be acknowledging that the writers have won in making me hate these people.  Those tricky writers.  (Disclaimer: This is a fictional plot I have made up about the writers.  I am sure they would never try to sabotage a film to such an extent as what I have seen in Legion.  Well, I am about 60% sure.)

To sum up my rant into a quick blow to the film, Legion has no tone, horrible characters, awkward pacing, and a ridiculous story.  And every time someone watches it an angel loses his/her wings.  Don’t take the angel’s wings away.

Final Grade: D- (Only reason it doesn’t get an F is because it was easy to laugh at, which I appreciated)