The special effects of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra may be worthy of applauds, but this is the only part of this film that can be given this compliment. Everything else, including the characters, story, and banter, feels like something an unimaginative little kid came up with on the fly while playing with the action figures in his backyard.
When a convoy of military vehicles transporting warheads to their buyers is attacked, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are saved by a group of soldiers who are more equipped to combat the attackers and their futuristic weaponry. After some macho arguing about the transporting of the warheads being his mission to finish, Duke talks his way onto the group’s plane, and it is quickly revealed that they are an elite fighting force known as G.I. Joe. After a training montage, they are again attacked by the same group as before and must fight to protect the world from the bad guys and their nefarious plans.
This being an action film, there is more than enough fighting, explosions, and visual effects to distract the viewer. I’ll admit it; I threw in a few “ooohs” and “aaahs” during the chase scene leading up to one of the warheads taking out the Eiffel Tower by spewing tiny metal termites (AKA nanomites) all over it. However, the excitement eventually ebbs (especially considering that this attack was already revealed in the trailer) and it becomes obvious that there is no substance to this “character based” story. For starters, there are few scenes involving only dialog, and when one finally comes along it’s easy to wish that the action would pick up again because then we wouldn’t be subjected to the poor writing. In other words, the less these characters talk, the better. And though I can’t blame character names like Dr. Mindbender and General Hawk on these screenwriters, and can blame them for how they choose to relate these characters’ stories to the audience. Not only are the characters lame presently (like brilliant Scarlett, played by Rachel Nichols, who says she doesn’t believe in emotions because they aren’t quantifiable, yet we all know where her character is heading considering she is surrounded by strapping young soldiers), but the backstories that are put in to flesh out why these characters are the way they are do not present strong enough arguments. Instead of feeling sorry for most of the characters, as I was supposed to do, I just wanted to shout at them all to stop their whining and get over it (yeah Storm Shadow, I’m talking to you).
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra comes with a pretty boastful tagline: When all else fails, they don’t. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they most definitely did not uphold this promise. Epic fail movie, epic fail.

Final Grade: D